Getting Off The Grid
It has been a while since I deactivated my Facebook account. Mixed emotions — mostly frustration — led me to do it. I was at a cozy cafe that time, sipping cold chocolate frappe drink to temporarily ease my mind. I already had a couple of attempts to deactivate it before but then I also immediately diverted my thoughts about it by doing some other stuffs instead. But that night was different. I was so physically and emotionally distressed so I decided to finally put it into action. The burden I felt inside must be relieved and it seemed like there was no other way but to channel my extreme unhappiness into deactivating my account, be gone for a while. Poor target. Bye Facebook.
Will it be worth it? Will I miss something? Will people look for me? I really don’t know. I highly doubt it. All i know is I just wanted to release the pressure and be off the grid for a while.
The following days was just fine. Even though I was uncertain how I will contact some of my family and friends, I was still commited to my decision. Moreover, Twitter, Instagram and iMessage still connect me to the world so I ain’t completely a cave dweller yet.
When people ask me why I did it, I tell them I just wanted to and I feel the need to give myself a temporary “social media detox“. Another follow up question was “Who made you do it?“. Like seriously? There must be someone behind this? Is it always about another person why you do this unusual thing?
I was still in the stage of denial.
After a few more days, I realized why I really deactivated my account. What my friends said to me was actually true. There was this one person who made me pull the trigger.
You made me upset. And so my stomach. I wanted to puke and get rid of this bitter taste. Your decision to choose that other person over me made my heart torn into pieces. It could have been us. But you never gave me a chance. This feeling again. The experience to be in another situation of unrequited love. If only you have a clue about the pain and rejection you put me through.
I wanted your attention so bad. I was hoping you’d notice me and ask me why I did it. Your curiosity towards me would make me feel I am still important to you. I could have given you the truth rightaway. Then I could have stopped my insanity. If only you knew how crazy I am about you.
Getting away from you was another way to protect myself from further breakdown. I still love me. I wanted to prevent myself from holding on to false hopes whenever you view my days or whenever you react to my status updates. Silly. I could have just blocked you, unfriended you, added you to my restricted list or hid your posts from my timeline. I should have just refrained myself from viewing your profile. I should have just restrained myself from sending you messages which you’ll predictably turn seenzoned. Rather, I chose to disconnect from the other people who care more. It still amazes me how love can make me do mad things.
Days have passed and you still don’t give a fuck. You didn’t even wonder why. Even a slight amount of care wasn’t shown, not a single bit. Either I failed miserably or I just expected too much from you. Heartbreaking double damage. I should have no feelings like this to you but surprisingly I have and it slowly tears me apart.
But eventually, I have come to my senses and it’s quite a relief. It started by accepting the fact that some of the things I desire don’t go according to the way I wish them to be. Reciprocating my feelings for you is one of them. It’s easy to like you. It might be hard to unlike you but it’s doable. After I finished publishing this, expect that I got better and I’m ready to be back to Facebook.