Twenty-Eighth

Fuck it. I won’t hold it back anymore; I’m getting it off my chest. This is for my freedom, peace of mind, and happiness. So, here it goes.

Truth is, I’m not straight. Maybe I’m gay. Maybe I’m bisexual. I dunno. All I know is sometimes I like women but most of the times I prefer men. This is confusing and difficult for me. But it is what it is.

I was afraid of the consequences it might bring once the word gets out. Trust me, I’ve tried to hide it as much as I could. But I guess my actions have already betrayed me a long time ago. Perhaps people have also suspected me to be different. Nonetheless, this is me now telling the world what’s really going on my mind.

I’ve been wanting to reveal this for a long time but I couldn’t because:

  1. Labelling my sexuality is a tough task.
  2. The truth, for me, wasn’t easy to accept.
  3. Disappointing my family is not something I wanted to do.
  4. My friends might change the way they treat me and that scared me.
  5. People might tease me or say mean things to me about this from time to time.

I frequently wished that my preference would change, hoping it was just a phase. That my non-straight thoughts will be gone and I’ll be a heterosexual sometime soon but obviously that time hasn’t come yet and I don’t think it will come anymore.

You’ll never know how sometimes I hate myself for being like this. Why can’t I be just like any boy who likes girls and gets crazy about them? Is there a way my body could just release the right chemicals to be attracted with just the opposite gender? Why it has to be this way?

Society typically defines a heterosexual man in certain ways and I tried to emulate those standards. Even practicing and correcting myself whenever I realised I slipped up. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out; it’s uncomfortable and unnatural. Forcing myself to fit in that kind of mould was like stripping away my self-identity.

It was hard for me to accept the truth. I never wanted this to happen. But I can’t do anything about it. So, I have to accept it with my whole fucking heart and move on with life. For my own sake.

Slowly on I’m dealing with it by opening up to people. And now I even published a blog about it. I’m not sure what would happen but regardless of how things turn out, I’m certain it is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

So, happy birthday to me! Happy 28th!